Smart people know the value of a real apology
Think back to the last big argument you had with someone.
Now answer these questions:
- Who apologised first?
- Did you apologise at all?
- How did that make you feel?
- Did the fight end at the apology? Or did you want to argue more?
I really don’t like being wrong and I hate losing. These two things made me a complete asshole when I was younger - some would argue I’m still an asshole. I would fight with someone just to win and I would relish in the victory and in the other person’s loss.
People around me must have hated engaging with me on any level. I didn’t just want to win, I wanted someone else to lose and most of the time it was my partner who had to put up with my shitty attitude towards apologising and arguing in general. My businesses suffered, my relationships suffered and I suffered because I was too weak to apologise and my ego was to big to admit any wrongdoing. Yes, I think it’s a sign of weakness to be unable to sincerely apologise.
It has taken me a long time, many fights, many businesses and a strong partner to learn that apologising isn’t a sign of weakness.
An apology in its purest and most sincere form is actually a sign of strength.
This applies to relationship apologies (friends, family, partners) as well as apologies in a business or professional setting.
One of my earlier businesses, Motribe, was filled with ego. Many of the decisions I made were based on how they boosted my ego or if they made me look good to other people. That’s a bad place to be when you are trying to run a good business. Motribe did not put the customer first and definitely did not care about the quality of our service. Motribe was not a stable business and looking back, a lot of the instability stemmed from the inability of the founders to apologise when we made a mistake. And holy hell did we make a lot of mistakes.
Here’s what I think makes a good apology:
- Acknowledge to yourself that you are at fault (if you are).
- Understand what you did to arrive at this point.
- Acknowledge, out loud, that you are at fault or at least contributed to the escalation of the argument or disagreement.
- When you communicate with the other person, do it honestly and sincerely.
- Actually say the words: “I am sorry for my actions.” — DO NOT SAY: “I am sorry you feel this way.” That is not an apology.
- Propose a solution or honestly admit that there is no solution and you’ll do better next time.
These are the simple steps to what I believe makes a good apology. When I read them top to bottom they seem so simple but are caked in complexity.
Fights and disagreements are battles of power. In most cases it appears that the person who wins holds the power. I’d argue that if you are in the wrong and you stand up and apologise in an honest and sincere way, you take back the power and end the retaliation that may follow.
If I am fighting with a customer about a defective product I could make up excuses, blame my manufacturer, blame the courier company or even blame the customer. Or I could admit fault, apologise and offer the customer a replacement at my expense or their money back. It’s hard for the customer to continue fighting with me. I have taken back the power by admitting fault and trying to resolve the issue.
You can judge a lot about a person once you have apologised. How do they react? Is it their default to continue on the fight just because they want you to feel shitty? Or do they thank you and move on?
Here’s a challenge for you; the next argument you get into, try to find a reasonable moment to admit your wrongdoing, apologise for your part in it and then see how the rest of the argument plays out. Take note of how you feel as you apologise and then how you feel afterwards.
Let go of your ego, don’t always try to be right and acknowledge that arguments don’t end relationships, stubbornness and ego do.
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Photo by Lina Trochez on Unsplash